Moving on, every season has a new "secret" which will be revealed in bits and pieces throughout, then all at once at the end of the season, or in some cases in the middle of the season. Most of the time, a new family moves onto Wisteria Lane and they always have a secret to share. As I said before, the secrets were so jaw-dropping and unbelievable in the beginning, but as the show progressed and spoiled, so did the secrets. Anyway, now let's move on to the show.
|Perfect American Family...NOT|
|"What? My kids aren't home? Huh!"|
|Come on Mike, you're not a werewolf.|
After this engrossing season, I'm hooked, along with millions of other viewers. The show received six Emmys and two Golden Globes just from that season! The Globe went to Teri Hatcher and the Emmy went to Felicity Huffman...not my choice of winners, but the show benefited either way. By the first season, the show became the fourth most-watched in the U.S., garnering close to 24 million viewers. (This will be useful info to compare each season's reception.)
Coming into the second season, we have some new neighbors: the Applewhites. Betty Applewhite (Alfre Woodard), a religious African-American mother of two, Matthew (Mehcad Brooks) and Caleb (NaShawn Kearse). Note that she is the only African-American housewife to appear in the show, unless you count single gal Renee in season seven. I thought that might be an interesting fact for everyone. I hope it was. Anyway, what's going on with our Desperate Housewives?
Lynette is back in the corporate world of advertising, encountering demanding bosses, doing the job of uninvolved superiors, and being the boss of her husband, who eventually comes back to work. Just your average office politics.
|She misses the gardener, you can tell.|
|"Oh, what should I do? I'm so hopeless."|
This season wasn't as intriguing as the first, but it still grasped my interest. Even critics noticed the slump in the second season, blaming an absent Marc Cherry from the writing team. For the third season, he promised to return to his position as head writer. I'm assuming it's "head" since he created the show. Anyway, the show was still the fourth most-watched show, with an average of close to 22 million viewers.
The third season began with the marriage of Bree and Orson, who has suspicious ties to a recently found dead body. And he ran over Mike, but shh. Speaking of whom, Mike falls into a coma, and when he wakes up...he has amnesia. The first signs of a soap opera, I believe. The wonderful and funny thing about this situation? He can't remember Susan. At all. Besides, she's too busy to be with him when he wakes up. Why, she's at a romantic cabin with Ian Hainsworth (Dougray Scott), doing romantic stuff. I wonder why she didn't wait for "the love of her life" to wake up before running off with a charming Englishman. Does the word "whore" mean anything here? I think so. You know who is with Mike when he wakes up? Edie Britt, that's who! And no, she doesn't trick him by saying that she was his girlfriend. She tells him the truth: that he dated Susan, and she treated him like dirt. She's honest and sexy. And now she's Mike's.
|Aww, Susan and...oh it's just Ian.|
|"So, my pizzeria is just nice?"|
|Orson: "Here's your bloody wrench, govna."|
A much better season, if I do say so myself. And I do. Critics agree, saying it was a great improvement from the second season. However, viewers dropped, particularly after Marcia Cross's leave for maternity mid-season. This fact delighted me, for Bree is one of my favorite characters, and it pleases me to know I'm not alone. And that Susan's love triangle between Ian and Mike bored viewers, as well. Mischievous laugh. The show dropped down to tenth most-watched show, with about 17 million viewers.
The fourth season recaps on what was going on in the past season. Gabby rekindled a passionate romance with Carlos, just after saying "I do" to Victor. But it was only because she felt used by Victor who married Gabby because he would get a Latino vote! So do not judge her, okay? Then again, does she really love Carlos, or is she doing this out of anger? Did she really love Victor, or was he a rebound off of Carlos? Sigh. These two crazy kids have an affair, which is kept a secret, until they decide they should wait when they are both totally unattached. At this moment, their last kiss for six months or so, a private detective camped outside Gabby's house snaps pictures of them. And he's working for (get ready) Edie Britt. Carlos and Edie continued their romance, since she tried to commit suicide and was very fragile. In this season, Edie transforms into a Desperate Housewife, in terms of doing actions only someone truly desperate would do. It saddens me to witness this change, for Edie was one of the smartest women on Wisteria Lane, and does not deserve to be the one who gets dumped. I blame Marc Cherry.
Another Gabby-plot twist: Carlos is blind. This is a somewhat annoying element in the show, as he becomes overly needy. I mean, they do need attention, the blind, but not to a point where they become whiny and, dare I say, Tom Scavo-esque.
|"Can you rub my feet? I have cancer, you know."|
|Cute Little Kayla|
|Just another birth at the Hodges.|
Speaking of Mike, he becomes a drug addict (they're just muscle relaxers, calm down) on account of the stress of having a baby with Susan. Who wouldn't be taking drugs? I'm surprised he wasn't on really hard-core drugs, living with that mess of a woman. While her pregnancy progresses, she wants the best for her child, which apparently is a $10,000 a year preschool. What would they teach there that's higher quality than at a normal preschool? Anyway, all parents want the best for their children, and that's what they give them from what they can afford. But Susan is (ugh) Susan, so she demands what she wants. This leads Mike to work painful shifts and injure his shoulder, hence the pill-popping addiction. Of course, when Susan finds out he's addicted, she threatens to leave him unless he goes to rehab. (Take your chance Mike! Get the hell out of there!) He went to rehab. A vacation from Susan's incisive, high-maintenance personality. And a break from those disgusting chicken legs.
|Chicken Run: "Howcanyounotrememberme? Ugh."|
I almost forgot! Another Susan Mayer blunder. More like catastrophe. Remember when Orson ran over Mike? Well, Orson is, all of a sudden, feeling guilty for what he did. Not to mention his nude sleep-walking, as seen by awkward Susan. Well, during one of his sleepwalks, fully dressed this time, Chicken Run heard his confession of running over Mike. "Ohmigod. Areyouserious?" (She talks that fast.) She tells Mike what he said, and Mike confronts Orson, who genuinely apologizes with tears. Might I emphasize genuinely once more. Like a total dumbass, Mike leaks this information to Susan, making her promise to let him handle it. Of course, Susan can't keep her goddamn mouth shut, so she storms to Bree's house, all huffy and clad in maternity lingerie (again, slut), and scorns Orson with "how dare you" and "you are forbidden to visit us". Yada yada yada. This outburst, most unfortunately, affects Bree, who kicks him out! This marks the beginning of the end for this ideal couple. And it's all thanks to the dipshit duo of Chicken Run and Susan.
|Katherine and Bree held hostage|
How this secret is uncovered and buried once again involves a return of Wayne. Long story short, Katherine kills him. The Desperate Housewives, who previously called Katherine a frigid bitch, suck her into their little clique. Did I mention Edie was never really accepted in their group? Wait, where did Edie come from? Anyway, Katherine is now a Desperate Housewife. Lucky her!
This season was definitely one of the greatest one in the series. Maybe because Dana Delany was added to the cast, bringing another Bree into the mix. Maybe because of the epic tornado episode. Maybe there were more opportunities to mock Chicken Run. Who knows. Should I have put question marks there? Anyway, this season was ranked eighth highest-watched, an improvement from the last season, with nearly 18 million viewers.
Now, onto the fifth season. This is the last season, I triple promise! Plus, this is the best of them all, in my humble (yeah right) opinion. For starters, the show fast-forwards five years. Whoa! Lynette's kids are still following their bad streak, as teenagers getting in trouble with the law. Gabby, apparently taking advantage of her husband not being able to see her and therefore expect her to stay in shape, has two little (ha!) girls, who I will call the Cabbage Patch kids. Because they're chubby. Susan is happily divorced from Mike and has a new boy toy named Jackson (Gale Harold). Chicken Run isn't in the main credits anymore, just an occasional guest star. Rats. Bree and Katherine collaborate on a successful catering business, while Bree writes a best-selling cookbook. Meanwhile, Bree and Orson's marriage take a turn for the worse, to my utter dismay. The big mystery of this season revolves around Dave Williams (Neal McDonough), Edie Britt's new husband. (What?! -SNL reference)
(Note: if you want to remember this show as the great, original mystery/comedy it formerly was, do not continue on to season six and on. If you already have...I'm so sorry.)
As I rewatched this season, I continued to notice more and more things wrong with it. We'll call them "errors". Something my dad pointed out, many times, and I found to be completely factual, is that there are some factors that are totally irrelevant. First, there's time. Edie's broken leg healed over the course of five or six episodes, while Lynette's cancer stuck around for about four months. That's just a ridiculous example. Incredible yes? Second, there's money. Money is thrown around on the show like absolutely nothing. "You need a $20,000 loan? Sure, no problem!" "I get paid $3 an hour, and I fucking love it" I'm paraphrasing, of course, but you get the idea.
|Tom's Pathetic Mid-life Crisis Band|
There's Carlos on the tambourine!