Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Amusingly Depserate Comment

Good morning everyone. I say "good morning" with only the intention of a standard greeting, not to suggest that this is a pleasant morning. In fact, it's not going so great in any way. It appears that I have done a bit too much of a certain activity last night, that is in no way sexual. More in the lines of consumption. I'd prefer not to say it straightforward. To make this aching even worse, I am surrounded by illness, meaning that there are a swarm of sickly people with enormously irritating coughs. And my trapezius muscle hurts, which is the diamond-shape part just below the neck. Once again, not such a "good" morning. At the moment, I am in the "office" with all my work done weeks in advanced, being the diligent busy-body that I am, and am roaming aimlessly through IMDb discussion boards. More than two weeks after its final demise, I am still completely focused on Desperate Housewives, resulting to rewatching previous, better seasons. Perhaps to revitalize my past affection for the show, to erase what was an awful eighth season from my mind? Perhaps, indeed. Anyway, I'd like to make this a quick post, just to share a momentary thought of amusement. As I was searching through the discussion boards for Desperate Housewives, I have uncovered a particularly hilarious, satiric comment on a post titled "Can't Wait for Season 9!" I'm not sure if I am eprmitted to post a comment from another person without their permission, but as long as I attribute the comment to them, it should be fine.
"Cherry has Season 9 all planned out:

We will be treated to another time jump, thus bringing the action of the series to 2003. Cherry explains that the show has always been existing in the '90s, not the new millenium, so this time jump will take us to 2003, although there will be some inexplicable references to the Obama Administration, FaceBook, Twitter, and the 2009 financial crisis. Halfway through the season, Cherry will release an official statement that the show is now taking place in 2013, even though we've had no indication of that on the series.

Lynette and Tom will fight a lot. This will be followed by a really incredible separation storyline, then a reconciliation when Lynette promises to be less negative, followed by a "Will Tom cheat on Lynette?" storyline before the two characters reconcile at the end of the season.

Katherine will be rejoining the cast. Having renounced her lesbianism, she will become a nun (as this is her lifelong dream) before having a sex-change operation and turning into a homosexual man. Then she'll start running a bowling alley, become obsessed with the guy who makes the hot dogs and start stalking him, before she decides she is actually into bestiality and leaves town with her new love interest, a goat.

Andrew will become even more of a gay stereotype. Cherry has said he plans to have Andrew start a Bette Midler/Liza Minelli fan club while also hanging around gym saunas and cruising for sex. Shawn Pyfrom has been asked to really exaggerate his effeminate expressions and change his voice to a lisp so that he can fit in better with such characters as Lee. Cherry says he's "Trying to create a positive image of gay people on television." At the end of the season, Andrew will die of AIDS.

Enjoying her new role in the senate, Bree will accidentally spill some Coca-Cola on the carpet in a colleague's office. For the entire season, we will watch her scheme and manipulate to try and avoid taking responsibility or spilling the soda, but at the end of the season, President Obama will confess that he actually spilled the soda and the case, which has now gone to trial, will be completely dropped.

Penny will be celebrating her 21st birthday in the first episode of the season. In the middle of the season, she will celebrate her 8th birthday. Meanwhile, MJ will face a mid-life crisis as he slides deeper and deeper into his '40s. He will be celebrating his 12th birthday in Season 10.

Vanessa Williams will be a continuing cast member. Cherry has such surprising storylines planned as her throwing a block party and acting like a complete bitch. He also has some really hysterical bits of comedy lined up. For instance, her new husband will declare that he is completely ready to have a baby, watch a birthing video, and faint. Cherry is proud of the fact that this little piece of comedy gold has never been done on any other series in history.

Gabby will act like a huge bitch before revealing that she's really a sensitive and good person. This will occur in every single episode of the 9th season. And the 10th.

A new family will move onto the lane with a mysterious secret. At the end of the season, it will be revealed that the family are fugitives from justice as they once forgot to pay their bill at a Denny's and have been living in seclusion and shame ever since.

Genius composer Steve Jablonsky has been instructed to really crank up the comedic music during the funny scenes as well as the dramatic music during the sad scenes. Cherry has stated, "We will have no silence on the show anymore. Every second will be filled by music." The viewer can eagerly await a lot more "Bah BAH Bah BAH Bum BUMP Bum BUMP" music during scenes where Susan accidentally locks herself in the garage and spills paint all over the floor.

That's about all the ideas Cherry has talked about at this point, but I'm eagerly awaiting the next season, that's for sure!"

That post was written by Tom_Atkins_Moustache, and it is absolutely brilliant, if I may say. I've included a link to his IMDb porfile page, as well as to the comment from its original source.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

New Trailers to Arouse Anticipation

I think the title speaks for itself, don't you? Sure, it's a bit longer than a title should be. And the word "arouse" kind of throws you off on a dirty tangent. It doesn't? Well, then I'm the odd one out here. Anyway, here are a few new trailers that were released today (or yesterday) that have certainly acquired my undivided attention. I'm sure you'll experience the same feeling, so just watch.

Anchorman 2

The Great Gatsby



The last one has actually been out for quite some time. I included it just so you all could see it, in case you haven't already. It may possibly be the most-anticipated movie of this year, and that mean very high expectations. Hear that, Seth MacFarlene? Very high expectations. Seriously, though, Family Guy is a real treat, I'm not ashamed to admit it. Why should I be? As for Skyfall, I'm not really anticipating that movie at all. Whatsoever. Ever since they made Daniel Craig the new James Bond, I simply cannot get absorbed in that franchise. Never could, really. It's so long and predictable. Now, if Clive Owen had been hired for the role, replacing Pierce Brosnan I believe it was, then we would have a different predicament. Really, Clive Owen would have been the ideal James Bond, I can't emphasize that anymore. Well, I hope you've enjoyed these upcoming movie previews. Now, go out and spread the sunshine.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Farewell, Wisteria Lane

Should I have added an ellipsis in the title? You know, three dramatic periods to indicate the gasp-worthy factor of such a declaration. (My thumb is bleeding.) 'Tis be the truth, as last Sunday marked the series finale of Desperate Housewives, the icon of deceiving suburbia and the up-and-down dramedy-mystery that has viewers, such as myself, puzzled as to how to react to the end. Honestly, the fact that I will never hear a fresh "Previously on Desperate Housewives..." from the voice that is now imprinted on my mind is a bit unsettling to me. Not having anything to look forward to during the week, no more curious wonders or enjoyable torture for me to bear. It really is tragic, devastating even. Despite how I feel towards the show in its last few years, how utterly horrible it was, I am genuinely upset that I won't get to see the antics of our zany Housewives anymore, unless I watch previous seasons. But that's not the same, obviously. This is quite a momentous occasion, for those who may be wondering if it is or isn't. After eight, long years of captivating intrigue that molded into played-out, pathetic attempts at keeping the audience's interest, the show has come to an absolute end. There is absolutely no chance of another season, there was no cliffhanger and all the Housewives' futures have been described to us desperate viewers. Don't fool yourselves, if you ever enjoyed this show, up until the end as I have, you are considered to be desperate. Why else would you force that garbage upon you all the way up to last Sunday? This alleged, and confirmed, garbage has been going on since the sixth season, ladies and gentlemen, and undoubtedly has gotten worse over the years. In my case, and that of my dad's as well, it was a disturbingly good thing, but generally-speaking, not so great for the show. Now, since I have been over how awful the eighth season has been, as well as gone into intensive detail of the show overall... (A Desperate Plea. Consider reading that before getting into this lovely piece, as it will enhance the nostalgic sorrow/glee over the show's end.) this post, I will simply provide my view on the finale in question.

The final finale of a television series, especially one as culturally significant as Desperate Housewives, is perhaps the most important element of the show, aside from the fact that it was successful and genuine entertainment. The only finales I'm really familiar with are that of sitcoms, such as Seinfeld and Friends, both of which could have been better. (Especially Seinfeld, considering it is the greatest, most revolutionary sitcom of all time.) Anyway, that being said, I haven't had much experience with the endings to shows as dramatic and long as Desperate Housewives. I wasn't there when Lost or 24 ended because I wasn't into them, just as I'm not an avid viewer of such shows under the Drama category, therefore... I have not had much experience with non-sitcom, Drama series finales. I just repeated myself in different forms in this entire paragraph. What a waste.

As I said, the series finale is extremely important to a series, as it impacts one's general opinion of the show as a whole. In some cases, if the finale was inadequate in comparison to the rest of the show, people wipe away their rabid admiration for the show and replace it with bitter resentment. Of course, with a show like Desperate Housewives, where everything has basically fallen to an ultimate low in terms of quality, a disappointing finale cannot do much damage. However, I'm pleased to say that the finale, as a whole, was perfectly decent. Not to be mistaken with decently perfect. It is highly plausible that the finale was significantly better-than-expected on account of the emotional impact the show has made on me over the years. No matter how much it decayed, Desperate Housewives has an undefinable connection to me, that it is a beloved part of me. I know, that's deep. Objectively speaking, there were several questionably humorous, made humorous only because it was meant to be serious, points to shed some light on.

Thanks a lot.
This whole ridiculous season ignited after Carlos murdered Gabby's step-father. I use the brutal term "murder" as opposed to what it really was, "killing out of self-defense", because throughout the rest of the show, everyone is treating that predicament as if they had maliciously planned to kill him. Even the perpetrators themselves, who were at no fault whatsoever! Carlos rescued his wife from being raped, and possibly killed as far as he was aware. Case closed. Instead, it became the poisonous center to a putrid season. Poisonous because it put a total conclusion to the show's livelihood. (It barely had much to begin with.) In addition to Carlos's unnecessary guilt over killing a monster, the Housewives undergo lengthy guilt trips of their own, particularly Susan as she confesses to her involvement by illustrating it to the world. Yes, she painted a portrait of proof that they all had buried the man's body in the woods. "I feel better." Now, why do they feel such overwhelming guilt? Not only was the man's death justifiable in a court of law (and that's all that matters), but they had absolutely no physical involvement other than keeping it a secret and going out into the woods. Aside from Gabby, the Housewives were not even present during the actual murder, only after. This may sound like a frustrated rant, but I am merely stating the facts! One must agree when I say that this may be the worst idea the writers of this show had in years. Then again, I'd have to ponder over that, and that might take some time. And we don't have time, damn it! (Uncalled for.)

The final season of Desperate Housewives, once again, was disappointing to all. That's an understatement. From the previous season, the audience dropped a whopping three million viewers overall. The rank of the season is "to be decided" as of this moment, but based on those numbers, I'd have to say they dropped down quite a bit from its already-low twenty-six ranking for season seven. Just a bit of statistical information to satisfy your mathematical intellect.

Oh, you want me to confess? I'll confess right now!
Well, maybe I'll wait a day. But then I will!
That was the basic plot of the season, and many other ludicrous story lines have been included as well. Let's go back to the finale at hand. The first half focuses on Bree's murder trial. Who is she accused murdering? Why, Gabby's step-father, of course. Yes, she is taking all the blame for a death made by her friend's husband and that could have been made justified in front on an unsuspecting jury. (I use the term "unsuspecting" because that's what an average jury who knows nothing of the defendant, is.) Anyway, for some reason, Bree endures the condemnation for the man's death throughout the season, really. But don't go thinking that it makes Carlos a coward for not confessing because he threatened that he might possibly expose himself if it would rain that day. In other words, he is a hypocritical, foolish coward. Near the end, he advocated charity by quitting his prosperous corporate job and replacing it with counseling. Sitting in a plain office with only a desk and chair, to show just how much he doesn't care about material things, does not make him some sort of humanitarian. Or philanthropist? How amusing is it that he's bragging about his newfound morals and values, yet he indirectly refuses to assume the blame he is entitled to. And don't use Gabby as his defense, as that's just what he did.

What an engrossing trial.
At least they got sex out of it.
The trial itself had absolutely no great-finale-aura to it, and had none of that suspense or anticipation that the writers were undoubtedly aiming for. It was all very predictable, painfully so, much like the season altogether. Every season is a consistent build-up of events that leads up to the grand finale, correct? In order for a finale to be unbelievably shocking and worth the wait, the stories preceding it would have to be engrossing, henceforth. Sadly, the writers were not aware of the fact that the murder of Gabby's stepfather was completely dull and could have been resolved in an episode or two, in order to make way for a possibly more interesting plot. Then again, that would be highly doubtful considering just what kind of stories and dialogue these so-called brilliant writers are capable of. (I feel that I often cal the writers "so-called brilliant", as if suggesting that the majority of people actually thinks they are brilliant, which is very much impossible.)

Nervous, ladies?
The trial went as followed: evidence against Bree is uncovered thanks to the "devious, heartless" Renee (whose goal was not to convict Bree, but to save her own husband from incarceration); Bree's "sexy in a rugged sense" lawyer, Trip (who is much like her previous love-interest Karl), persuades her to reveal everything about the incident by kissing her; Gabby is called to the stand, which angers Bree, yet is totally logical since the victim was indeed her stepfather; yada yada yada, Mrs. McCluskey admits that she was the one who killed the man to save Carlos from prison (but he would have definitely considered maybe assuming the blame). Case closed, let's move on.

Some sparks we have here.
None at all, really.
The second half of the end focuses on tying up loose ends in the characters' story lines. (Although not all ends will be resolved, as I will explain later.) Remember how in a previous finale Gabby got married to Victor, and Susan got married to Mike? Remember how sweet of a finale that was? Well, here, we have the marriage of Renee and her Australian partner, Ben. Not as sweet. Renee unleashes a final burst of the fierce, sexy woman she so often tried to be in the show, spitting out sassy-but-disgusting lines while pursing her lips in a plastic-surgery manner and bobbing her hips from side-to-side. And the whole "bridezilla" act is really stale in sitcoms, let alone serious Dramas, of which this show is technically considered to be. Plus, it is very revolting to see her dressed in tacky wedding dresses and demanding everything she wants. It's supposed to be funny, yet turns out to be the exact opposite. Her relationship with Ben, that they are passionately in love and about to be married to prove it, is not believable at all. As Renee flaunts her crass, pseudo-glamorous self around, Ben always gazes upon her with love, only because the director told him to of course, and in effect it makes the viewers feel that they think we're dumb enough to believe it. This is the case for many other plot points. I won't bother to mention which ones, as they are all exactly like that. Did that make sense? Let's continue to the final words of our Desperate Housewives, who we have endured for the past eight years.

Lynette Scavo - We've had quite an adventure with this braud, haven't we? Her quasi-amazing parenting, her conniving and malicious gene, her incessant need to be right and stern belief that she is. You all know Lynette. In the past season, she has dealt with life without Tom, though he seemed to be popping up practically everyday in her house. They have been separated this entire season, and Tom gets a new girlfriend, who really would have been a nice match for him, while Lynette pathetically pines over him. Notice how I say that his new girlfriend would have been a nice match, indicating that she, indeed, left the picture, and Lynette eased her way back into a union with Tom. The two reconcile and shortly after (the same day, I think) Lynette is chasing a new dream of moving to New York to become CEO of Katherine Mayfair's French frozen food business. Oh, haven't you heard? Katherine is back on the Lane for this final episode! (At least they got someone from the past to return.) As Lynette craves being back in the "game" again, Tom is hurt to see that she is over the fact that they are back together. Yada yada yada, they make amends and move to New York. Lynette wins once again, for the final time.

Gabrielle Solis - You know she used to be a model? Back in the 1990s? Or earlier maybe? I'm just teasing on account that she mentions her past career in nearly every episode. Anyway, Gabby has grown quite a lot since her spoiled days of sleeping with her gardener. Now, in her spoiled faithful days as a nagging wife, she has a new "career" as a personal shopper (pause for laughter) and gets promoted to Senior VIP of Sales, or something like that. In other words, she becomes a CEO and starts her own company called Gabrielle's Closet. Oh, how nice. As she is moving on up the corporate ladder, Carlos starts to feel neglected, just as Gabby did in the first season, which is what lead her into the arms of her gardener. To warn Gabby of what may happen if she doesn't spend more time with him, he hires an attractive female gardener (played by Rosalyn Sanchez, in the quietest role of the show) to remind her of her cheating days. Gabby replies with a hurt expression, saying how it was the most shameful experience of her life and how dare he remind her of it. So, she was angry with Carlos because he alluded to an event that devastated him in the past and just wanted to make a point--? My head is spinning from analyzing Gabby's plot lines at this moment in time, and is additionally not needed at all. To conclude the tale of Gabrielle Solis, she and her husband, and her kids I'm assuming, moved to California where they continued their lavish lifestyle. Carlos, I'm sure, is still counseling.

Bree Van De Kamp - The ideal Housewife has had quite a journey throughout the show, more so than any of the other ladies. Her S&M husband was murdered by her boyfriend-pharmacist who later killed himself. Her next husband was accused of killing his ex-wife and then his ex-lover, while his mother attempted to drown Bree. Her friends abandoned her after she assumed authority over a crime that someone else committed, and rather impressively considering everything else that's been going on. Just now, in the final season, did she nearly reach for a pistol and end her life. She is the strongest, smartest woman on the Lane (though that has diminished in this season, like everything else), all while keeping herself pristine and proper. Not to mention painstakingly gorgeous, at her age. She's, also, had many men in her life, which is objectively uncharacteristic of her, but the writers make it so to spice it up or something. It is common knowledge that Orson was the clear perfect match for her. Unfortunately, as with everything else, the writers have disappointed by crippling him and bringing in a fleet of lesser men, such as Mr. Megan Fox and Bird-Face. Her latest inadequate encounter is with her lawyer, a pseudo-shark who is "the best", and, as I've said, appears to be a reincarnation of Karl. (This hints that viewers enjoyed that previous relationship, explaining why they created another lawyer with whom Bree canoodles with. Which brings me to ask, why kill Karl? Why kill an entirely likable character just because you think that plot is dying in interest? Nevertheless.) Bree and her new lawyer, Trip, engage in the typical "you're-so-imperfect-like-me-which-is-why-we-would-be-perfect-together" attraction. Also, Trip is a rugged, vile, and therefore irresistible, man, clearly. Sarcasm. He's rather scruffy-looking, like the type that would play a caveman in a reenactment of the prehistoric era. The progression of Bree's tragic life throughout the show ends with a happy ending with Trip as her new husband. They move to Louisville, where Bree dominates Southern-like society as the idyllic 1950s Housewife they all strive to be (think The Help), as well as becomes part of the state legislature. A mix of the idealistic homemaker of the heydays, and the modern successful female all rolled up in the mold of Bree Van De Kamp, Housewife extraordinaire.

Susan Mayer - She would be the last Housewife to be said goodbye to, a sort of fond nod by Marc Cherry, who obviously preferred her throughout the entire show's run. We all know Susan Mayer. Even if you've never seen the show in-depth as I've had, you know. That desperate woman, lying naked in her bushes in the middle of the neighborhood as her love-interest just happens to walk by. That love-interest was Mike, by the way. He's the one who died. Susan will always be remembered as that ditzy, clueless klutz who's naively stirring up a storm of trouble. The one whom everyone loved at first, then grew tired of, as I am now discovering. It's true, people began to dislike Susan around the time when Mike went into a coma and British Ian swept her off her feet, and that love triangle ensued. (How did I not realize that I was watching a soap opera all this time?) Anyway, not much is said about her future, other than that she would be helping Julie with her new bastard child, along with watching her own son grow. After Mike died, I never thought she would be happy again. Really, that's what I thought. And perhaps I am right in my supposition, and she will be that aged woman who grieves to strangers on the street. Maybe she will reunite with past flames, or perhaps meet a new beau, and even get married again. Of course, we will never know. Because the show just ended. Obviously.

Remember I mentioned some loose ends that were unexplained?

The writers may not realize this, as they have overlooked many things in the past when it comes to writing well, but they have left more than a few loose ends. Note that just because it is a loose end, does not make me sore on the fact that they did not tie it up in the finale. In other words, I am not particularly upset by some of these unexplained variables. They are as followed, in short-sentenced bullet form:

Andrew Van De Kamp - There was no mystery surrounding Bree's sweet son, but it would have been nice to include him in the find episode of a show he was such a major part of. The blossoming of his relationship with his mother was one of the most touching parts of the show's entire run, as he transformed himself from a nasty delinquent to a witty gentlemen who adores his mother. Not to involve him in the finale festivities, as well as his own mother's trial for murder, was just plain upsetting.

Paul Young - Whatever happened to him? He was around during the Mary Alice-mystery, then disappeared in prison, then returned to the Lane to buy Susan's house where he would shelter ex-convicts, and finally ran off. It would have been nice for the audience to at least be aware of his whereabouts, as he was a prime character in the show. He was married to the dead narrator.

Orson Hodge - I am very infuriated with what the writers have turned this wonderful character into: a creepy cripple with good intentions that were masked as being mentally-unstable. When he returned in the eighth season, I was thrilled as he and Bree rekindled their adorable, intimate banter. They are the absolute ideal couple. But what did Marc Cherry decide to do instead? Make him out to be some villain who was stealing Bree from her "friends", who really did abandon her as he said. Truthfully, he had potential of reviving this show from its disgraceful slump. And if he was not that powerful, he would have at least been my preferred character in a show where I hate absolutely everyone. Yes, everyone.

Chuck Vance - The writers kind of forgot about him. They centered so much heat and suspense around him, then they just killed him and that was the end of it. No intense investigation? Wasn't he a beloved officer? In case you didn't know, as the police surely didn't, but Orson was the one who killed him.

Kayla Scavo - It is likely that many do not recall this young lady. She was Tom's illegitimate daughter, whom he had with that white-trash Nora, and when she died, he assumed custody over her. After Lynette sneaked around getting her sent away, as she always gets what she wants, Kayla was completely forgotten. I figured she might have returned sometime after the five-year jump, but she was nowhere to be seen. I found that to be a bit curious, to say the least.

I include her picture out of admiration.
Edie Britt - There is nothing unexplained about her, no loose ends to be resolved I mean. I am including her in this post as a general expression of my disapproval over Marc Cherry's antagonistic decision of removing her from the show. And to cremate her after electrocuting her and having her insane husband strangle her a little? That is just cruel. It's a shame that her lawsuit against him proved to be mistrial because it would have been simply dandy for Marc Cherry to pay reparations and attain bad publicity just after the only prolific show in his career has ended. Oh, how wickedly scrumptious. Why I mention her, also, is that she was not among the ghosts of Wisteria Lane at the end of the finale, which is understandable yet would have been pleasing to see her standing by in the memorable neighborhood.

Their last poker game.
Apparently it was their thing.
At the conclusive moment of the finale, the final hurrah one would say, it shows Susan driving around Wisteria Lane one last time. As she drives, she passes the ghosts of the Lane, all those who have died throughout the show's run, all dressed in white for obvious reasons. This was a very nice, intimate touch for the show's end, bringing back all those who have left the show. This is the reason why I consider this to be a decent finale, despite all the usual rubbish the show is composed of. It was a heartfelt farewell to Desperate Housewives, for all those desperate viewers, such as myself, who depend on the show for a sort of sick nourishment. Even toward the end, I craved each episode's arrival. Desperate Housewives will remain an iconic landmark in television history, as the humorous dramedy that has moments of joy, tragedy, and plain stupidity. Unlike the wonderful show about nothing, this show was a brilliant piece of something, whether it be a work of mastery or one of recycled soap-opera material.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Another Award Season?

None that most of you would be familiar with, however, unless you are a member of LAMB, a large association of movie blogs. Coincidentally, that acronym happens to spell out an easily identifiable creature, and sounds catchy. That's why the Academy Awards is shortened to the Oscars, rather than AMPAS, standing for Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Then again, AMPAS is easy to say. This is the time of year when members of LAMB are able to nominate other blogs for awards such as Best Blog, Funniest Writer, and Best New LAMB. Why even write something about this rarely seen event, you may wonder? Well, I happen to have a modest wish of winning one of these awards, as of five minutes ago, and since this year has been going decently so far, I figure this is not too ridiculously out of reach. I guess you could call this my "campaign" for being nominated for one of the following categories I could be considered eligible for: Best New LAMB, Funniest Writer, Brainiac Award, and Best Movie Reviewer.

First, one must ask themselves what exactly a campaign entails. It is defined as a systematic course of aggressive activities for some specific purpose. Also, competition is a given in these campaigns, just as in presidential elections and even Oscar campaigns. For Your Consideration and all. I've actually searched what a For Your Consideration poster looks like, and basically it's an image from the film in question accompanied by all its award nominations and wins thus far. How, might I ask, would that assist the movie's chances of winning an Oscar? Not much of a marketing strategy if everyone is doing it. Judges--I'm sorry, voters--would not be able to distinguish which performance/film was better, unless they've seen it. Therefore, the only way to truly campaign, if such a thing exists, is to share a slice of one's talent.

Well--I've got to be honest with you, it's that time of the month for me (bills, obviously) and I am feeling mighty uncomfortable in more ways than one. Plus, my mind is occupied with something specific at the moment, and I am really itching to tell someone. (Itching? Unsanitary.) I might as well mention it now, since I mentioned it: it involves a dream I had last night, an extraordinary dream, and in it was a guy I previously denounced from every speaking to again. In fact, whenever he does attempt to get into contact with me, I maliciously ignore them, acting completely indifferent to him, which gives me such a proud thrill. I'm sure you ladies can relate with me: don't you just relish that fateful second when you delete a voicemail or text from that guy whom you were previously clinging on to? Oh, it is scrumptious. Unfortunately, there comes a period when you crave to hear his voice or to so much as see him for a chanced meeting. Then you become ravenous for a conversation with him, which becomes awkward when you do contact him because you've been ignoring him all this time. All of a sudden, he gets a message from you after he's long been over you. That feeling hurts a lot more than the relish feels fantastic. Anyway, about that dream. I believe I should describe the dream to you, otherwise you would not understand my ardor to get into touch with this mysterious guy who I shall not name.
It was my birthday, and for some reason one of my distant friends, let's call her Alison, decides it is her birthday too, in this parallel dream universe of mine. Throughout the time we've been friendly, she's always been more popular than me, which was demonstrated when everyone flocked around her to celebrate her birthday, when I was abandoned. Left all by my lonesome. Even my parents joined the festivities for Alison. As I was down on my knees, heartbroken of course (not waiting for something nasty to come my way, if you know what I mean), when along comes the guy I swore I would never be intimate with again. And what does he do? He wipes my tears away, extends his cheek towards me...and asks for a kiss on that cheek. Confused, I recommend his lips instead. Success. Then I wake up to the surprise of my dad making Belgian waffles for breakfast. A delightful morning, to say nonetheless. All day today, I've been severely preoccupied with him, pondering over whether I should contact him or wait for him to make the initiative, as he has done before. Should I suggest we meet up sometime? How can I do so without remaining sangfroid and attractively nonchalant? You can imagine how this, in addition to my time of the month, can combine to create a very frazzled self. Plus, I dislike getting ghost-dialed by people. My number was just ghost-dialed, that's why I brought it up.

Would this count as my For Your Consideration advertisement? I guess so. Have a pleasant rest-of-the-week.

For those who are members of LAMB, have a glance of my blog in the archives! Consider it.

(There's a link to the LAMB website in that message.)

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Valentine's Day 2.0

I refer to Valentine's Day, the so-called holiday not the movie, as VD. As I entered that into my phone as a yearly reminder, as I do for all holidays, I realized: venereal disease. Which made it all the more fitting to save in my phone. You may be thinking that I don't like Valentine's Day, and that is not true. It may be denial, but I don't want to be one of those ladies who protests against love. Well, I might not have anyone special when that day comes around. Ever. But that doesn't prevent me from enjoying it by watching Valentine's Day, a great ensemble comedy that is, obviously, romantic. As all ensemble comedies goes, they have many, often interlinked, storylines, involving a variety of relationships between a variety of characters. So, expect me to use the words "storyline" and "relationship" often.

There is only one actor who really twists my panties, in that he really irritates me throughout the film. The only one who received recognition for his irksome personality, and that man is Ashton Kutcher. Overall, I've begun to dislike him as an actor, and even more so after he grew a Jesus beard. In the movie, his overly enthusiastic advocation of love, or whatever he believes love is, is not at all infectious (as he intended, I'm sure). In fact, as I said, it is annoying. His actions are completely foolish and thoughtless, as if he's so symbolically blinded by his overwhelming love. Once his girlfriend (played indifferently by Jessica Alba, who scored recognition as he did) accepts his proposal, half-heartedly mind you, he prances around like a little fool, thinking he's spreading the love on Valentine's Day, when really he's making everyone resentful and nauseous. The scene where he persuades the over-sized items guy to let him stop his friend from boarding a plane (oh, how nice) really supports my opinion. He wins the guy over by telling him that his friend is "like sunshine", which is such a quasi-dramatic speech that I'm sure Ashton Kutcher worked really hard on. Another one would have to be when he confronts his friend, urging her not board the plane or else she'll get her heart broken, he uses his own heartbreak story as an example of some sort. Tears start falling, oh you bet, and there is such pain in his voice that you'd want to cry yourself. That was going through Ashton Kutcher's head during the take, after which he said, "Yes, nailed it." (Oh, how I amuse myself.)

It only makes sense that his best friend and confidante is George Lopez. here, we have an example of the extremely annoying screen-stealer. His single source of humor is the fact that he is Hispanic, and is aware of the fact that many of his people are thought to be illegal aliens. Hardy har-har. Any time he appears on the screen, with his wise Spanish-man advice and grotesque face, I just roll my eyes and groan until he vanishes.

Another mind-numbing addition is Ashton Kutcher's peppy best-friend-turned-love-interest, Jennifer Garner, who, I might add, thinks she is breathtakingly gorgeous, which I must also add that she is not. She gives a performance so terrible that it is shocking that she wasn't recognized for it. (Oh, I guess being Ben Affleck's wife gives you immunity. How ironic.) Anyway, she plays yet another fool-in-love who is blind to reality as a result. Her downfall would be finding out her perfect doctor-boyfriend is married. Damn. She was warned by Ashton Kutcher, her ever-faithful friend, after he found out earlier and reacted rather dumbly. (That's the vibe I got from his mumbling shock at hearing his friend's boyfriend is married.) Yet she was too in love to believe him. That's her own fault then, isn't it? As for her performance, she has this particularly irritating habit of half-smiling awkwardly throughout the movie. It is very irritating, and that's an understatement. She is, by far, the most unbearable of the Ashton Kutcher trio, in my eyes. Perhaps because she's utterly unattractive while she thinks the opposite? Perhaps because she is considered to be a good actress, but in reality she isn't, as demonstrated here? There is no one to tell.

I find it both disturbing and doubtful that Eric Dane, an attractive man, and Bradley Cooper, an even more attractive man, are set up to be disputing homosexual partners. I'm sorry, but that is not right. The reason I included the fact that they are disputing in the movie is because that makes them appear to be deeper in love, henceforth all the more homosexual, intensifying this shocking impossibility. When I think of two male homosexuals (not that I often do...)--When the subject of two male homosexuals is brought up, I immediately picture two feminine, preferably short, middle-aged men. Not decrepit like Christopher Plummer, not as specifically well-known as Jim Carrey, and certainly not these fine men here. I think of Mitch and Cam from Modern Family, which is a positive image and definitely raises my tolerance for homosexuals. Is this topic a bit too taboo? Starting to appear so.

Before discovering the inconceivable truth, Bradley Cooper and Julia Roberts displayed a promising romance on-screen. They play two people sharing a row on an airplane, as they get along wonderfully, hence explaining my guess (and hope) that they would be romantically-involved. Oh, but the writers fooled me, that they did. The moment when Bradley Cooper gives his car up for Julia Roberts, so she could make it home to see her little boy before she has to return to battle. She's in the army. When she arrived to her little boy (just to clarify, it's her son, not some little boy whom she visits in a creepy way), it is truly heartfelt and even makes one want to cry, if they're prone to that. Also, after just watching this movie, I found myself to take a liking for Julia Roberts. I never really cared for her, thinking she was overrated, and while I still think that, I've begun to enjoy her in movies. Starting now.

A widespread issue that has been complained about in reviews and by word-of-mouth is the inclusion of two "horrible" performances by Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner. Now, before I speak my opinion, let me note that I do not care for either individual in any possible way. Their status in the pop-culture stratosphere is both ridiculous and exhausting. Taylor Swift and her supposedly cute persona, as well as her frightening influence over the majority of females, is enough to make one (that's me) aggravated to a limit. As for Taylor Lautner, his reputation as the werewolf from Twilight is both defined and accentuated only by how often he is not wearing a shirt on-screen. Anyway, in the movie, they portray a high-school couple in love, and, may I say, they did a fine job. If it was intended, of course. Knowing the environment of high school first-hand (or remembering it), I can safely say that they nailed the manner in which teenagers act. Typical teenagers, anyway. Taylor Swift especially, as she bobs her head from side to side and brags in the usual "oh-my-gosh" fashion in which most girls do. In a way, she lampoons the ditsy, clueless girls of high school, very well at that. Unless she was just being herself, then it's just idiocy on her part. Perhaps what the audience perceived as bad acting was really a version of Method acting? I'm not sure how to put it, but she did a good job, if that's what she intended to act like. Otherwise, I'd have to agree with the multitude and deem it to be awful acting. Taylor Lautner, who I believe was dating his on-screen co-star at the time, accounting for the believability of their romance, was really not bad at all. Seriously, I saw no hints of bad acting in any role he played, including here, other than in the Twilight saga. (Scoff, saga.) And this is objectively-speaking, considering, again, I don't like them.

The storyline between Emma Roberts and her boyfriend as the other two teenagers in love preparing for their first time is absolutely adorable. And believable, as far as I'm concerned. Not to get too personal, but I, myself, am...inexperienced in the art of seduction. From what I'm aware of, however, and how I feel on the subject, I found this relationship to be incredibly real and sweet.

"The truth makes everything else seem like a lie."
I really like this quote. It supports my theory that revealing what's been done in the past is not always the right thing to do. this applies to the storyline between Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo, who play the always-adorable elderly couple who've been together since World War II. Maybe later than that. What happened there was Shirley MacLaine confesses to having an affair with her husband's business partner many years ago. Ergo, it happened a very long time ago. Ergo, it doesn't matter. Which brings us to the quote, said by Hector Elizondo in reaction to being told of his wife's infidelity. Evidently, he agrees with my view on revealing long-kept secrets, that it really doesn't matter at all once you've concealed it for so long. In any case, the two reconcile rather romantically, as they dance in front of the silver screen. What makes this moment even more magical is that Shirley MacLaine graces that silver screen, as a younger version of herself. So, in a way, Shirley MacLaine portrays herself in the movie, if she had an affair with her husband's business partner also, of course.
This romance is contrasted by the one with Topher Grace and Anne Hathaway, who are just beginning their relationship. They display the equally-difficult hardships of learning something new about the other. In this case, it is Anne Hathaway's part-time job as a phone-sex operator. When Topher Grace finds out the truth, he nervously backs away from a potentially long-lasting relationship, perhaps as long as the one between the elderly couple. Of course, this truth had to be revealed at some point, unlike Shirley MacLaine's secret, but the two situations are parallel nonetheless. I will not let a technicality interfere with my insight.

Other elements in the movie include the woman who does hate Valentine's Day (unlike me) played by Jessica Biel, in what I would have to call a pretty good performance; the guy who dislikes Valentine's Day played by Jamie Foxx, though I think he just said that to get together with Jessica Biel, for he is indeed a player as he said; the little boy in love, which is that sweet, innocent love one smiles at while thinking they don't know what they're in for; and, of course, the unecessary part of the movie who is included solely for additional laughs, played by an aggressive and funny Quen Latifah, who clearly did the job she was hired for. Kathy Bates was here too, but she's everywhere, even when she's not needed.

Valentine's Day was not particularly acclaimed by the critics. Entertainment Weekly gave it a solid F-rating, which is pretty harsh considering the film was not bad at all. This is coming from someone who loves ensemble films, when all these famous actors are gathered into one huge comedy and you think to yourself, "Boy, they must be having fun." And they are! I'm sure they are all friends, one with the other, and the paycheck is most likely substantial. Plus being on set with everyone you know must be a hoot. The movie itself is great, really great, really really great, so I must say that it is fine to enjoy them. That's right, I'm talking to you, who thinks that if you like this movie you will be intellectually shunned. How often are these ensemble films made? And how many directors are able to gather such a posse? So, whenever a movie like this comes along, and it is surely decent, I take the opportunity to add it to my repertoire of movie to watch over and over again.

Note: You may be wondering about the title. I didn't mention it in the beginning because I usually do that and I'm annoyed by that habit. So, if you are indeed curious, look no further: Valentine's Day

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Pushing the Envelope

I just viewed two shocking videos depicting the outbursts of rage by well-known actors. One I would like to highlight very briefly, as the thought is fresh in my mind and I don't want it to escape. Everyone has heard of the racist rant made by Michael Richards, who is fondly beloved as Kramer from Seinfeld. Of course, I was aware of this outburst, which took place among the period when hatred grew for Mel Gibson and his alleged outbursts against his ex-girlfriend. (I've actually heard those tapes online, and am almost certain that they were completely fabricated, for it does not sound much like the actor himself, and, of course, there is no visual proof.) As for Kramer's rant, it was filmed shakily from someone in the audience, and I must say that I was truly stunned by the display he demonstrated on stage, in front of so many people. While I won't record what he said here, as it is a bit too frightening for this dainty blog, I will say the following, possibly "racy" account. Of what I thought of this infamous display.

The only reason this is notorious is because it incorporates an attack on African-Americans. I must say that it is a bit of a nuisance to actually have to type the term "African-Americans" to describe that race, and even that they get offended by. Yes, prepare for a slightly-touchy non-rant. From what I have just seen with Kramer's "racist rant" (as it is titled in many videos), I admit that I was baffled by witnessing him behave in such a vile manner. I admit, it was a little unsettling to see an actor who portrays one of the greatest television characters of all-time spit out such horrible comments. After that, I watched his apology video, which was aired on David Lettermen (with Jerry Seinfeld as his guest, who supports his long-time cast friend yet was equally shocked as I was). I must say, after viewing the sincerity of his regret, yet which had absolutely no hints of pleas or kissing-up to African-Americans (noble, I think), it is utterly ridiculous that he even has to make a heartfelt apology speech. Of course, it was very offensive, but taking the time to make a speech that guarantees you're not a racist is just unnecessary. That's my view on it. A simple "I'm sorry. The language I used and in the gross manner I used it was completely inappropriate, and I whole-heartedly and genuinely ask for your forgiveness." (Let me pause for a moment, and ask if an African-American would apologize so passionately if he had insulted a white person? And why are we automatically fine with calling them white people, and not Caucasian-Americans? Chew on that.) But did African-Americans forgive Kramer? Were they touched by the mental guilt and time he went through to make that apology? I'm sure they were not. In fact, even today, people refer to this event and sneer at the inhumanity of Kramer. And he apologized! Believe me when I say that this apology made me cry. Why did it make me cry? Well, to see a man, whom I happen to admire and enjoy on-screen, open up like that, completely sincere in his remorse, is just incredibly sad. He doesn't deserve this mental hell, not really. He made a fatal error when he was on stage while being disturbed by some hecklers. Kramer is a world-renowned icon who will undoubtedly make us laugh until they make a Seinfeld remake with a less-funnier Kramer, to which we will think how wonderful Michael Richards is.

That was significantly less-racy than I thought it would be. I suppose that's a good thing. I wouldn't want to have to apologize for anything unnecessary. That would be a waste of time. Anyway, the sweet nectar of my productive mind has been squeezed out for today, and, remember, I only brag on this blog because I am compensating for my severe insecurity in the real world. As for the other surprising rant, that was of Christian Bale on the set of Terminator: Salvation, where he completely "freaked out" on the director of photography for no reason other than stress. And maybe because he's a pompous fellow. Another topic for another time, ladies and gentlemen. Just remember: anxiety is your worst enemy.