Saturday, June 12, 2010

Cool World

Last night, at midnight, I watched a movie called Cool World. Since I was a fan of cartoon/human movies, like Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Looney Tunes: Back in Action, I thought I'd give this one a try. And having Brad Pitt star in it wasn't a turn-off, either. So, I turned on the TV and my media player, and started watching it.

Cool World starts out with Frank Harris (played by Brad Pitt) as a young man returning home from the war, and the year is 1945. He hops on a motorcycle, with his cautious mother, and crashes into some drunk driver's car. The mother dies, and Frank is transported into a cartoonish world known as Cool World. Though, there is nothing "cool" about it. The animation is utterly horrible, and the cartoons' motions are fidgety and fuzzy when they move.

Anyway, we are fast-forwarded to 1992, and we are introduced to Jack Deebs (played by Gabriel Byrne), our other main character, in a prison cell. He is sketching some Jessica-Rabbit-type cartoon, named Holli, and he is saying stuff like "Ooh, baby, you look good tonight". I guess that's what prison does to you. Suddenly, he is sucked into the drawing of Holli into Cool World. As usual, he's scared shitless, refusing to believe all these cartoons are factual. There, he meets his sex-desire, Holli Would. She is "dancing alluringly" in front of horny cartoons with their eyes out of their sockets. Jack is there for about one minute before he goes back to the Real World (in this movie, real world is capitalized, to determine the difference between reality and "cool"). He is released from prison, and his first stop is the comic book store (what a geek). Here, we are now aware Jack invented Cool World, and made it into a comic. And we, also, learned he went to prison for murdering his ex-wife's lover. Not for creating such horrid comics.

We are back to Cool World and meet up with Frank, who is now a detective in Cool World, for unknown reasons. He's investigating some sort of crime, apparently, and interrogates Holli, who tries to seduce him. But Ol' Frank is too sharp for that! But, unfortunately, Jack isn't, for he eventually gets into bed with her. Yes, a human has sex with a cartoon. (But in this movie, humans are called "noids" and cartoons are "doodles".) And there's a law in Cool World that noids can not sleep with doodles. Bad Jack.

After the sex, Holli transforms into a human (played by Kim Basinger) and she's absolutely stunned at how awesome it is. She abandons naive Jack, and goes into the Real World to have sex with a lot of guys. There are malfunctions, though, because now she has these glitches that turn her into a doodle. Not her previous doodle, but a clown doodle. I don't know where that came from, but then again, I don't know where any of the shit that happens in this movie comes from.

Fortunately, I fell asleep near the end, so I don't know the resolution. It wouldn't have made a difference though, to be honest, because there was no plot in this awful flick!

The acting was terribly terrible. Gabriel Byrne was dopey-eyed from start to finish, being a complete moron with a high sex drive. Kim Basinger was even worse; she was a Marilyn Monroe wannabe, from the voice to the dreadful acting. Brad Pitt was equally horrible, and he treated the doodle characters like imaginary friends!

The dialogue was infinitely rotten, with lines like, "You're a wackadoo" and "What are you gonna do about it, pencil dick?" just make this movie that much worse. The monologues were also horrid, but I was too tired to memorize them. Plus, it would have destroyed my cranium.

This has got to be one of the worst movies ever created. I give it a 23/100. Giving it any lower would be spiteful against Kim Basinger, and I don't want that on me. (And Brad Pitt has mighty handsome here!)

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