The Art of Battle

What a rotten evening. Just moments ago, a dreadful storm erupted into my small town. It is pouring out there! I can't help but smile a bit, for a few hours earlier I declined an invitation to go to the Olive Garden with my mother and brother. Although they went without me anyway--to celebrate my upcoming trip to the nation's capital--I remain indoors, content and dry. As for that aforementioned trip: On Saturday, I leave for Washington D.C. to spend eleven days on campus at American University for a program called the National Student Leadership Conference. Very prestigious. There, I will be taking classes in professional news-writing as well as practicing journalistic skills for my future. It's a glorious opportunity, of course, and a stunning detail to add to the 'ol resume. As for this evening, I will provide you with three video clips (and very little reading, thank god) that demonstrate utter ingenuity of its kind. The following, as hinted at in the title, is a series of the greatest cinematic fight scenes. These are not the conventional sparks-and-fire fight scenes one would expect in such a list; I consider them the best solely because they are unorthodox. They are absolutely ingenious and, obviously, hilarious.

1. Ted

Now, let me start by saying that this is the funniest fucking movie of the entire fucking year. I think have jurisdiction in using profanity twice because it is, one, true, and, two, it makes up for the blatant snubbing at last year's awards shows. Seriously? Salmon Fishing in Yemen was better than Ted? It wasn't, and this fight alone can support that Ted is far superior to any candidate other than Silver Linings Playbook. What makes this fight so magnificent is how real it looks. Mark Wahlberg--the fantastic actor he is, who was also ignored--really looks like he is in pain as he battles his teddy bear. The visual effects here are just incredible, far more impressive than any other film of the action variety. And the laugh factor: 10 out of fucking 10.

2. Anchorman

This scene represents the overall hilarity of Anchorman. From beginning to end, it is completely flawless in both quality and, most importantly, timing. The fight sequence did not take too long, nor was it too outrageous to be considered valid in this list of the greatest fight scenes. While a man on fire, two horses, a triton, and the amount of artillery may be deemed "outrageous", it was just right. What is also emphasized here is the brilliance of an abundantly-casted crew: the comedic geniuses present here, as you have already seen, are unquestionable in status. The brief prelude before the battle was an excellent touch, providing several hilarious lines. ("Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?" "I don't know." Classic.) The whole fight, again, was excessive but in the finest way imaginable.

3. Pineapple Express

The first time I saw this fight, I could not control my laughter. I had to replay this scene several times to redeem myself and continue--that's how funny this is. While the fighting itself may be a bit played out, especially if you've already seen it, such as with the repetitive grabbing-and-throwing, the scene remains a great comedic feat. The highlight of this scene is definitely the moment when James Franco and Seth Rogen knock the bathroom door down, pushing Danny McBride into his sink and breaking it. Hilarious, albeit a tad exaggerated in length.