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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Spy Next Door


Recently, I had the displeasure of watching Spy Next Door. This movie was utterly horrible, and I do not suggest it to adults who are looking for a movie to seriously watch. However, if anyone is looking for a movie to mock every moment of, this is the ideal choice for you.


This movie is way ahead of its time (about ten years when Jackie Chan made The Tuxedo) and the jokes have been recycled more than once. The acting is extremely corny; so corny, even kids probably wouldn't like it! Jackie Chan, who I thought made decent movies in his time, plays Bob Ho, a Chineese operative from the CIA who wants to live like a normal person. As usual, in all these spy-type movies, it begins with Bob on his last mission before he retires. The mission: chasing some Russian thug who is doing God-knows-what. Afterwards, his other half of his double life is revealed: fellow neighbor of Suburbia and boyfriend of Gillian, a hot "soccermom".


Bob's relatonship with Gillian is totally fictitious and has no chemistry whatsoever. Gillian's kids, whom Bob tries to warm up to, are Ian, Nora, and Farren. Ian is the classic "loser of the school", getting bullied by two "bullies" (I called them "Bunny Boys", for their teeth were of that nature) Nora is too young to be judged. Farren, played by Madeline Carrol of the indie Swing Vote, was a terrible stereotype of a typical teenager; we don't have that big of an attitude problem and we don't grimace all the time. It's insulting, really.


However, I haven't gotten to the two worst things about this movie. One was the Russian villians. I am a Russian-American and it sort of pesters me to see how Americans see Russians. They don't talk with such a thick accent, and if they were all Russian "comrades", they'd speak their native tongue; English with a Russian accent does not equal actual Russian. Also, I didn't understand what was so evil they were doing. A chemical that destroys oil? Sure, oil from Russia would then be more expensive. But those "criminals" had no appearance of intelligent, successful oil-tycoons. They were more like dumb pranksters.


The second worst thing of this movie was Billy Ray Cyrus, the father of mega-superstar Hannah Montana (whom I also dislike). Just because she is incredibly famous (to five-year olds only, I might add!) doesn't mean she can prance around putting her degenerate relatives in movies. Billy Ray cannot even be called an actor! There is bad acting, and then there is the rare case of "noromal-person-reading-the-script-who-is-credited", which is what Cyrus Sr. is.


To conclude, I give this movie a 28/100, for its lousy acting, typical plot, and overused fighting styles. Jackie Chan's fighting-with-props bit was cool in Around the World in 80 Days, but now it's just tiring. (I also have to add a comment on his name. Bob Ho. How inappropriate and demeaning to Asians!)

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